that dance of closeness through language.
― Alex Mc Near on her romance with President Obama
Breakfast with KJ.

My mother’s boyfriend, KJ as we call him, eats the same breakfast every day: Fruit. Bowl of Total with a sliced banana. A piece of toast and coffee. He prepares his own breakfast and has his routine down to a tee.

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Non-existent.

Is there anything in the world more hurtful than someone you care about, treating you as if you don’t exist? Been thinking about this for the past few weeks and can’t come up with anything comparable. I need an On/Off switch for my heart.

Hope You Are Well.

There was a time I believed: "Hope you are well." was more than colloquialism. That the other person asking really gave a shit about my well being. Because when I say that, I mean it. I do care, interested and want to hear if you are happy or sad or mad or even indifferent.

What wasted efforts.

I’ve come to find people just say that for the sake of conversation. To be polite. And they don’t really give a fuck how I am doing because the reality is, most people only care about themselves.  

What a misleading phrase. 
Fuck the English language. 

  • HIM:It isn't "such is life" but rather "such is a life worth living."
  • HER:That's the optimism I used carry, but no longer have in me.
  • HIM:So you say now.
  • When.

    It’s when one day, you wake up and realize somewhere along the way, the heartache diminished your innocence, ability to believe. All of your purity. Light. Optimism… gone. Lost. Nowhere to be seen.

    It’s when you accept you are an afterthought. Secondary. Last priority and it’s when that truth isn’t painful. Because deep down you knew. Always known. 

    It’s when you admit that truth to yourself. Finally. 

    It’s when what you thought was reality is likely a fantasy. Perhaps always will be. 

    It’s when even still, you hold on.

    Thats when you know.

    Precious.

    "You are so precious." he said. With so much warmth, love in his voice it was comforting. "I never knew you as cynical. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt as much as you have, to lose your capabilities to unabashedly love and give the way you do."

    "Conversely," she replied rationally, as if speaking of a daily task like grocery shopping. "it’s refreshing. I’ve now learned to turn off my sensitivity switch like I’ve been able to do with everything aside from love."

    "But that was the reason I was so taken with you, fell so in love with you. You have it together in all other areas, except when it comes to love. That cautious vulnerability was so endearing. And something I’ve yet to find in…" 

    And before he could finish, she interrupts with: “Such is life.”

    Tired.

    There are days I smile for the sake of smiling.
    Pretend everything is ok. Laugh, because that
    is what people expect of me. From me.

    There are days when I am tired.
    Sick of everything. Everyone. 

    Today is one of those days.
    I’m tired. 

    タイミング.

    様々な場所に住んでいる為、
    出会いと同時に、誰かしらと別れている

    振り向かない性格なので、別れは悲しくない
    情や未練も全くない。てか感じた事もなかった

    最近自分を無くしはじめている

    過去は過去にしておきたい
    ひたすら前へと進みたい
    と思いつつ、本音はあの男を想い心が和む

    未練がましい自分も存在するんだ、
    とつくづく実感する。痛い程

    タイミングが切なすぎる

    一端タイミングを逃してしまったら、
    二度と取り戻せない真実の悲しみ
    っていうのが未練なのだろうか?
    だとしたら今まで通りに前へとひたすら進みたい
    冷たい人だと思われてもいい、いんや。思われた方が楽なんじゃ・・・

    など面倒臭い事をつい考えてしまう
    割り切らないと、と思いつつ出来ない
    だから過去は過去にしておきたい

    ま、明日はニューデェイ
    ケセラ・セラ・・・

    A few stolen moments
    is all that we share

    You’ve got your family,
    and they need you there

    Though I’ve tried to resist,
    being last on your list

    But no other man’s gonna do
    So I’m saving all my love for you

    ― Never realized how sad this song is. 
    RIP Whitney. 
    Words.

    Being bilingual, I’ve paid more attention to words than most. The importance. The impact. The hurt. The joy. So many emotions come just from words. 

    Sometimes, I wish words — or lack thereof — didn’t affect and effect me as much. As most, don’t pay mind to words as I. 

    I am so used to smiling while hurting, 
    I think I’ve trained myself to numb pain.  

    Most mistake that for strength.
    Or perhaps that’s what strength, is.  

  • ME:I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm only strong when forced to be strong. Only because I'm a survivor.
  • HIM:Maybe you are as strong as everyone thinks you are, Nana. It isn't about never breaking down. It is about knowing that when you break down you can hold it together, and we both know that you can do that. You are a wonderful woman.
  • Forgot how painful a person’s existence can be.
    Hello again, bleeding heart. Please heal soon.
    Sick and tired of being a bucket of hurt.